This is part 5 in my Good At Sex series, where I merge data with sex psychology analysis to discover how to make you wake up at 4am one night startled, it must have been the sound of bushes rustling; you flick on the lights and poke outside. Slowly you see dark, human shapes shuffling slowly towards you in the distance.

Women.

You squint. One looks like that girl you hooked up with last June, if the faint moonlight outline is any indication. Another shares the same teal hair as that one girl you banged in a closet at the new years party, and - oh god, is that your ex Amanda?

Someone bangs on your door, a fist belonging to a woman you haven’t yet seen yet. “We’re horny,” a feminine voice breathlessly whines. “We need you to fuck us”.

You swear under your breath and stumble backwards into the hallway. You haven’t touched your shotgun in a while, you didn’t think you’d need it. You’d scrubbed your address from the internet after you moved so women would stop trying to pull semen out of you. How did they find you this time? You can’t afford to lose any more semen, not after last time.

“Nobody else fucks us as good,” the voice comes again, and you think maybe it’s Haley from the orgy? How does she know, you never told her your name-

You hear your bedroom window shatter. You fling the hall closet door open, pull out the shotgun, knocking over some boxes as you do. Shit, one of those was the ammo. It’s dark, you fumble on the ground for it. You don’t want to turn on the lights, but maybe it doesn’t matter because they can obviously hear you. Or smell you? Is that how they got here?

The glass in the bedroom keeps cracking and you hear soft, attractive grunts as a fertile-sounding lady tries to get through presumably without cutting herself open. Can’t have sex with too much blood loss, you think wryly as your fingers find the ammo and load the gun.

Something starts ramming at the door. It sounds heavy - is it a fucking battering ram?

“My penis isn’t even that big,” you shout at them, hoarsely.

“I know. It doesn’t matter, somehow,” says another voice, echoing from… the door of your basement? Thank god the door is locked… you think.

“Is it my technique?” you ask, despite knowing the answer. “The way they teach in stuff like fingering videos, about orgasm plateaus and whatever?” The gun is to your shoulder now, your back up against the end of the hallway. You’re too afraid to move rooms, you don’t know how many of them are already in your house. You want them to keep talking so you know how much time you have left-

The basement voice says “No, it’s not that. Like, this guy Henry is really good at technique, he even made me squirt, but you don’t see me breaking into his house-”

The sounds of breaking glass in the bedroom stops. “Wait, you had sex with Henry?”

Basement voice goes “Yeah”

“No way! I did last year too. He was pretty good”

“I know, right? Real good stamina, and great pussy eating technique. He made me cum twice, which is rare for me”, bedroom voice shouts back.

The pounding on the front door pauses. “Good pussy eating isn’t that rare girls, come on, focus.” Ah, that sounds like Amanda, both in voice and vibe.

“Why don’t you go sex Henry to death,” you shout at them.