I’ve had sex with a lot of guys. I also like really carefully tracking social dynamics and incentives. I noticed some guys seem way better at sex than other guys, often due to subtle, hard-to-articulate and sometimes counterintuitive things that I’ve never really seen people talk about before.
Really, that part is kinda weird. You’d think the pride men have around sex would result in better sex theory - but instead I’ve mostly stumbled into hippie men talking about divine-masculining as hard as possible, generic liberals talking about clitoral orgasms and consent, and redpill guys talking about conquest.
So here’s my attempt to express an actually good theory of How To Have Good Sex. I’m intending to release these points as a short series, one brief blog post for each thing. I’m including my first section below.
But first, some disclaimers: While I've had sex with a lot of men, and while I’ve tried to be aware how much is me-specific vs ‘things that generalize’, unfortunately there's only one of me, and so I can't really get away from this being a guide about 'having sex with people similar to Aella'. (Though to be clear, I am personally obligate kinky and quite weird in bed, but this guide is not centered around kink or niche preferences).
While I'm writing boldly and generally, and probably a lot of this applies to other women, this is still just a loose framework. Please don't read this and blindly apply it to your next sexytime, assuming it will by default go well! Communicate with your damn partner. Brainspace is vast, and one woman's mind might be alien compared to another.
The thing I'm describing by 'good sex' might be different than what others mean. But here, it means something like 'losing yourself in the experience'. When I look back on sexual experiences I consider great, they all have the commonality of me sort of becoming the sex, if that makes sense? Like I'm no longer Aella's brain, doing thinky things, I am Aella's body, doing orgasmy things. I've lost the plot, I don't remember what the plot was, I'm just sexcreature emitting a constant stream of noises.
And so in a sense I'm describing a guide to get a woman (vaguely similar to me) to become a sex body.
Unfortunately this is not a guide for men themselves to become sex bodies in the same way, I'm sorry. This is a pretty heteronormative guide, and it centers on vaguely active-male, receptive-female styles of interaction, where the advice for both sides is not symmetric. If you’re a subby guy really looking for a lady to take control and like it, this probably won’t be the guide for you.
You want to get her out of the brain and into the body; the first step here is to stop letting the brain into the program.
There's so many ways for her to brain to join the program - after all, there's a lot to do! She wants to make sure you're having a good experience, wants to make sure she's at a flattering angle. She is worried you'll get tired, worried she's not doing enough. She wants you to come away from this having a good experience.
This isn't bad, it's reasonable and caring and human! But unfortunately it's also thinky brain attempting to deliberately maneuver things into a good outcome. It's a brain with a plot, so it's your job to yeet it right the fuck out of the room.
For example: Imagine you're giving her oral sex, but it takes her a while to orgasm. She starts to worry about your jaw getting tired - and the longer you go, the greater that worry is, the harder it is to orgasm, and the longer it takes. It's a vicious cycle. She can't get out of her head about it. She pulls you up and reassures you - it's okay, it's hard to orgasm, she's happy with normal sex, let's move on.